Came home Let night after a long day of work and class to find pizza on the counter. I'm told by my boyfriend that it's for the girls tonight and not for me. They are having girls night.
I didn't expect it to him me so hard, trying to make something to eat and trying to hide the tears at the same time. It's a pain I hadn't had to face in a long time and found myself surprised at the torrent of feeling I was try to hold back.
Growing up there were many times I was told that I couldn't hang out with people. All for various reasons but the one that really covers them all is, "It's girl talk." That the simple fact that I'm a male meant I was excluded. Or, "Big kids only." All my young mind heard was you are not wanted because of who you are.
Now again I'm being told this by my boyfriend. Thar because I'm not gay enough I can't hang out with the girls. But as I'm feeling this I'm hit with guilt for feeling these things.
Then I want tell my boyfriend these feelings but I have to go hold myself back . I can't let my feelings get out of control and turn vindictive. I think of calling my friends but then I'm hit with fear because im always been the rock. I don't want to have to expose myself like this or if I pick a friend am I telling the right on? All horrible thoughts, so I write them here instead.