mindbender

The edible I ate is just starting to come on when I find myself back at this old but familiar doorstep. Reading just the last couple of journal entries and deviations and just holy shit, I have changed so much. Like I feel so much more accomplished than I had thought of myself just the moment before.

Came home Let night after a long day of work and class to find pizza on the counter. I'm told by my boyfriend that it's for the girls tonight and not for me. They are having girls night.
I didn't expect it to him me so hard, trying to make something to eat and trying to hide the tears at the same time. It's a pain I hadn't had to face in a long time and found myself surprised at the torrent of feeling I was try to hold back.
Growing up there were many times I was told that I couldn't hang out with people. All for various reasons but the one that really covers them all is, "It's girl talk." That the simple fact that I'm a male meant I was excluded. Or, "Big kids only." All my young mind heard was you are not wanted because of who you are.
Now again I'm being told this by my boyfriend. Thar because I'm not gay enough I can't hang out with the girls. But as I'm feeling this I'm hit with guilt for feeling these things.
Then I want tell my boyfriend these feelings but I have to go hold myself back . I can't let my feelings get out of control and turn vindictive. I think of calling my friends but then I'm hit with fear because im always been the rock. I don't want to have to expose myself like this or if I pick a friend  am I telling the right on? All horrible thoughts, so I write them here instead.

It hurts when the inside does not match the outside. Seeing myself in my dreams then waking to find I'm not like I should be. This disconnect brings great pain on me and in the alone time it stalks me like a predator. Yet even with the pain of dying within its maw, I lie in the enthrall of its ravenous rapture. Loving the ecstasy of its hate, I'm then left discarded and broken and unsure. Facing the fork in the road, the known versus the unknown. The loving attention of my hate or the spectrum of possibilities in leaving it behind.

Another late night is not so unusual for myself, but doing so alone is. Like a trip back in time I find myself here in my room in front of my pc with nothing to do at 3 in the morning. Is it that its so late or is it that I'm alone, or the combination of isolation and tired that brings forth this sensation. This stirring from deep within for something I gave up long ago. That path already foretold in perfect clarity that still to this day can send shivers. Was it an elaborate plot on his part or divine coincidence that I found that gate through which lived a most amazing adventure.
That craving returns to feel that once more and I find myself wishing that the gate would return. Yet time and time again I know I would have to refuse for it was also foretold that is not my path. Kinda like the path not taken, I walked it for a time but had to leave it behind. Like a child torn from the warmth, in the night I find myself wanting to be held once more in that dark and warm embrace.
I may have moved on from the man who opened this gate and was my guide, but will I ever get past this craving? Will I always be a child of the night who dwells in the day?

It ain't easy being angsty. All these emotions that just want to tear you apart and yet the overwhelming feeling of either guilt or some obligation that you have to be strong and not let these emotions out. I don't mean in that macho boys don't cry sort of way but in the sense that should I get very angry I will yell like a demon has possessed my body or so sad that I want to fall to the floor sobbing. Emotions in the sense that you've made me feel this way, so I want to you feel it too. Its like I feel like I have to keep guard over myself and it can get tiring. Yet I can't give in because I've seen the aftermath of such releases. Very much have I personified it in the sense of a demon. My Shadow doing what I feel because I don't care anymore.

Its a hard battle and often its fought alone in the dark. I hope to one day not fight anymore.